lolacherrykola

06:50 pm

I hate this journal. I think I might delete it. But I would hate to have to reapply to some of the journals and communities I am in.

Current Mood: apathetic

03:14 pm - Red wine Red dress.

07:46 am - awake.

i want to live a worthy life. i want to have the strength within my self to not be pulled into peoples constant drama and the need to have more or be more. i just want to be me...the best me I can be and not worry about other people and their petty shit. i want people to feel peace when they are with me. i want people to trust me and i want them to feel peace when they are with me. i want to inspire and live a buddhist life.

The basic Buddhist principles are to lead a good moral life, to attain much wisdom, tolerance, and understanding, as well as to awaken yourself to thoughts and actions.

i wan to love people even if i don't understand them. i want to forgive them and myself for our shortcomings. i want to be tolerant.

Firewood does not become ashes and life does not become death
Just as the winter does not become the spring
Every moment of time is self-contained and quiescent

Like the empty sky it has no boundaries,
Yet it is right in this place, ever profound and clear
When you see to know it, you cannot see it
You cannot take hold of it
But you cannot lose it
In not being able to get it, you get it
When you are silent, it speaks;
When you speak, it is silent.
The great gate is wide open to bestow alms,
And no crowd is blocking the way

i open my soul up to this awakening.

12:42 am - what I watched.

last night I watched born into brothels. I couldn't help crying and feeling so selfish for going on horrible buying binges on ebay. I know that I will adopt children from oter countries. I have been thinking about three. One from China, one from Honduras, and one from India. Maybe I will have two of my own to make it an uneven five.
I also watched the jacket. It was better then I was hoping for.
Well, I guess I can still look on ebay....

04:50 am - Weakest link.

The field I work in has a lot of strange people in it (which may or may not include myself). The person I was working with before often talked to himself with hand movements and various face movements which led me to believe that he was in active conversations with people I couldn't see. The new person who has come to replace the spirit talker is even stranger (if possible).
The new guy asks one million five hundred questions. If you say one he asks why not five. If you say black he says why not white and green. He has degrees in mathematics and computer science but is the stupidest motherfucker I have met yet. So I guess the lesson of the day is that a college education does not equate that you know a damn thing!! :-)

07:02 am - Womans blood is sacred.

I want a woman.
I want to smell her skin and hear her laughter.
I want to taste the honey of her special place and the soft smell of her in the morning. I want to bury my face in her neck and run my fingers through her soft hair. I want to worship her and know her secret thoughts. I want to fill her up inside with my fingers and make her scream in pleasure from the knowlegable movement of my tongue. I want to suck on her nipples and run my hands on her soft skin on her feet, legs, hips, stomach, breasts, neck, face, mouth. I want to be her friend and know her biggest fears and know about her husband and children and family. I want to drink red wine with her and by candlelight take away all her worries about the future. I want to fuck her and suckle her and make love to her as only a woman can. I want to be that for you woman because it is what you want.
Let me get a taste of you and know what makes you wet. I want to play with your pussy and see if it feels like mine velvety warm pink soft tasting faintly bitter. I want to smell your perfume all over me when I go home to dream of you. To need you till the next time you call.

Woman I want you.

03:10 am - Life is good

and yesterday I wondered what it was all for
if in the end it will be justified.

and today I wonder what else I could need
if in the end it will be too much.

07:55 am - For this gypsy love. (yes you)

I've met you
one out of ten

I want to crawl beneath your shadow
and rest a while

I want to hold your essence in
my mind a while

I want to breath the life of you
and know what you like for breakfast

Mexico, I love you.

10:09 am - again and again say thank you

( more, if you don't mind )

02:01 am - Travel...

( Yes, I say thank you. )

07:26 am

11:22 am - Gosh, time sure is a funny looking thing.

Blah. I am done with the mind expansion forays. While in Colorada I was given consumption of goodies at no cost to my pocket book and cried the whole time after due to the fear of cops and robber scenes and lack of bathroom facilities close to my carpet area and the connections I kept making between people and, and, and it was just too much. Maybe next time the world will stop spinning in its axis for me :-)smile.

08:24 am - yes the label is accurate :-)

This summer I will be lucky enough to partake in a couple of great concerts of which I am fuckin elated about. The first one is the Bluegrass festival held every year in Teluride Colorado and the other for sure one is Dave Matthews Band in June. You can just imagine the debauchery and general happiness that my soul will be swimming in during these events and of course there will be pictures galore of beautiful bodies and smiling spirits for all to enjoy. Yummy for me to think of the boundaries I will be crossing over bridges I have been constructing throughout this horrible year of being away from all that I love.
I promise that I will say no to nothing and I will love all and enjoy every little thing that comes my way...*evil grins my soul*

05:46 am - Out.

la-la my life is about to begin
time runs down and I cant wait

11:57 pm - Part II

The shaman breaks and I come up for air

breath

He tells me secrets of the world
Divine!
the fire soars and I go down again

my life is as it should have been
written upon the rocks
everything
in perfect sync

my life is worth the air it took to breath
sacred are my bitter scars left for me to finger
prayer beads

every tear I've ever cried the air has took to taste
every smile licked upon my face

He dances round
I can feel it now

the scene gets more intense
as I come up again
no fear
the shaman goes into a trance
go down again
and face that which you most fear
control
is a fantasy
your mind plays upon your soul
everything meant will be
the shaman dreams with me

first we soar and he tells me how we came to be
then we swim and he tells me how we failed

my soul fills with deep violets

he pushes me furthur down
middle of the earth
and whispers to me my secret name

my life is an endless stream
a life is never ended
who I was before
is who I will be after
nothing ever ends
everything forever after

so I bring this knowledge.

06:12 am - Part I

words are waste and emotions lose validity
reds are washed the score is what its all about

I close my eyes and feel the heat around me
shamans stones heat and water

my life is clear to me
everything
open

I've never had to hide behind the fog
everyday my skin feels right
no fear or shame in letting go

release

you've always been enough
everything as one

smile within
shine throughout

I am the sun my energy enough
to keep you on the ground
feel it deep, within
then let it out

your tapestry combines with mine

the shaman breaks and I come up for AIR
*breath*

07:32 am - promises to keep

I will try to update with pics soon.

09:28 pm - collect interesting

lets begin with the setting of the sun
lets begin where the earth has known/borne the beginning of time
lets tell the story of the great maker of the drum and the beating of his/my heart
father make it real to me show me the end of time and the earth release
old stories of insanity herb and heart sickness
I hear the stories late at night as they call out to my old soul
do you agree to let go
do you agree to lose?
I feel nothing now
to have no need.

pick up te thread where last you gone
listen to stories last told
thru seers and village ghosts
let me in
I give to you this me I have no need
understand?

spirit songs without words
I free base ecstasy
anything I can take smoke toke lick
ahhhh don't be mad
life is wha tit is (hhahahaaa)
everyone gather round
let me tell you what I know
let me show you what I have in this tiny little box
everything worth anything is in this tiny box
everything in this box is anything worth having
so gather round and let me show you
what I know bout living in this world

this box came to me from half way round this world and was given to me
by someone long forgotten
dead and living down down deep in the ground and he gave me this box and gave to me
everything worth anything inside this tiny little box
so now my friend I give to you everything worth anything
inside this tiny little box

open it and you will find nothing because that my friend is the only thing which is worth
everything and that my friend is nothing. ha!
......

a strange man walks into a bar
I look at him and think
well there I am with not a goddamned thing to do but
walk into a bar and think "boy there goes a strange man"

01:47 am - its just random shit

[open letter to me]

your recycled words I've heard before
in phrases spoken but not your own
you wear faces with smiles
trademarked and postmarked decades too late
I am on to you and know better then to oohh and ahh
over your mediocrity
your ownership over thoughts ideas and schemes

shallow waters do not produce great swimmers!

I must achieve Buddha nature

[end]

and yesterday I realized that it is not a sin to steal [gather] books from the book store because the author has already a[greed] to SELL [whore] his ideas [stolen, as nothing is original] to people [corporations] who then take his ideas [stolen, of course] and MASS produce it for the public in exchange for more paper [$$] which they are using to get more of the same [$$] these people then KILL trees to burn his ideas [again, stolen] on to paper skin to sell to me an idea he has A[GREED] to whore so in many years my [his] grandchildren will have no trees to build homes because this author has a[greed] to sell [whore] his ideas so they can burn it on my [your] childrens homes to sell to people for a PRICE [$$], well then what is MY price in exchange for this paper we are all desperate to get??? Why I just want free books [I happen to like anything that is stolen ie: ideas, books, souls...]

little buddha in my pocket
tell me do you like
the sandy lining of my winter coat?

does it remind you to be thankful
for the sandy lining
of my winter coat?

do you talk to god at night
and tell him how I treat you good
how I rub your belly
and ask you for the death of
all mine enemies

buddha laughter is me in your face
with a boot in the sand

03:51 am - jet fuel for my heart

and in sighing let loose your hair
I watch as your breast heaves in starts
and flows not once but twice onto me
oh woman


you were and are the begining and end of time